OLIVER KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual
by Luna M. Moon
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! For some reason, you have just purchased an OLIVER KIRKLAND is manual has been provided to ensure that you, the owner, unlock your unit's full potentials.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own APH or the concept of a manual fic.

 **OLIVER KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual**

 **CONGRATULATIONS!** You have just purchased your very own OLIVER KIRKLAND Unit. This manual was written to ensure you, the owner can unlock your unit's full potential...as well as avoid getting killed in any way.

 **Technical Specifications:**

Name: Oliver Kirkland will respond to "Oliver", "Oli", "Arthur", "Cupcake" ,"United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland", "England" and rather annoyed to "2p England".

Age: 23

Place of Manufacture: London, England

Height: 5'10''

Weight: 128 lbs

Length: Even more Magical

 **Your OLIVER KIRKLAND unit comes the following**

One (1) baby blue bowtie

One (1) Purple Sweater Vest

One (1) Long Sleeve pink dress shirt

One (1) Pair of brown formal dress pants

One (1) Pair brown dress shoes

One (1) Set of assorted Poisons and Laxatives

One (1) Swear Jar

One (1) Kitchen Knife

One (1) CUPCAKE the CAT unit

Five (5) Cupcakes

 **Programming**

Your OLIVER KIRKLAND unit is equipped with the following traits:

Baker: OLIVER KIRKLAND loves to bake. Especially cupcakes. However, he does have a tendency to put poison in his cupcakes.

Assassin: Need to poison someone? OLIVER KIRKLAND is amazing at this. However, this can be illegal.

Bodyguard: Believe it or not, OLIVER KIRKLAND is amazing bodyguard. He will kill whoever is after you.

Teacher: OLIVER KIRKLAND is a very good teacher; he is very, very good with children and loves to teach. He is best with teaching Cooking but good in other things.

 **Removal of your OLIVER KIRKLAND Unit from Packaging**

OLIVER KIRKLAND is typically very nice and easy going however; it isn't that difficult to get him into psychopath or cannibal mode. Provided are some safe way to wake your unit without getting killed.

1\. Bake cupcakes. Chocolate is preferred however, Vanilla will function. He will ask to be taken out of the box. Take him out. From there, you can reprogram him.

2\. Speak French. OLIVER KIRKLAND will push his way out of the box. He will began to look for a FRANCOIS BONNEFOIS unit. While he is looking, you can reprogram him.

3\. Play "Saving Grace" he will begin to hum or sing along. He will ask to be let out. After you let him out, you can reprogram him.

4\. If you have money on you, hide behind some sort of barrier, at least 12 feet away, and yell as many curse words as you can. He will burst out of the box. From there you should put money in his swear jar as soon as possible. From there, you can reprogram him. We are not responsible for injuries caused by using this method.

5\. Wake up the CUPCAKE the CAT unit. OLIVER KIRKLAND will then wake up to pet his cat.

 **Reprogramming**

After successfully getting OLIVER KIRKLAND out of his box, you can reprogram him to any one of the following modes.

 _Optimistic (default)_

 _Easygoing (default)_

 _Cannibal_

 _Loving_

 _Angry_

 _Psychopath (locked)_

 _Opposite (locked)_

The OLIVER KIRKLAND unit comes default in Optimistic and Easygoing. While he is in these modes, he is very polite and will bake constantly. He won't make any poisoned or drugged cupcakes in these modes. He may refer to you as "poppet".

Cannibal mode can be triggered randomly, though him being in angry mode for a few hours can be a cause. In Cannibal mode OLIVER KIRKLAND, has a tendency to make people into cupcakes. He says it has a good flavor. You can get him out of this by either putting him into loving mode or getting an ALLEN JONES unit to yell at him. We are not responsible for any damage caused you your ALLEN JONES unit.

Loving mode is actually quite easy to unlock. In fact, some confuse it to be his default mode seeing as 20% of ways to get him out of the box can set him to this. All you must do is either, bake cupcakes, or eat one of his. The one's he's offered you, not the ones he's eating. Eating one of the cupcakes he made for himself can set him angry mode. While in this mode, OLIVER KIRKLAND will never ever make drugged cupcakes and be offended by the mere suggestion. He will address you as poppet and will constantly hug you.

Angry is very easy to set of by accident. Eating the cupcakes your OLIVER KIRKLAND has made for himself can put him in this mode. Cursing and not paying the swear jar can cause it as well. In this mode, his cupcakes have an 80% change of containing nightshade. For reference, blue cupcakes may contain poison, pink may contain body parts, but white is normally safe except for laxatives. A Loving ARTHUR KIRKLAND or a FRANCIOS BONNEFOIS can get him out of this mode. CUPCAKE the CAT can also help. Being kept in this mode for a long period of time may cause your OLIVER KIRKLAND to end up in Cannibal or even Psychopath.

Psychopath is unlocked by continually annoying OLIVER KIRKLAND while in Angry or Cannibal. In order do get him out of this mode, you will need money for the swear jar, several dozen cupcakes, and your CUPCAKE the CAT. You will also need a LUCIANO VARGAS, a FRANCIOS BONNEFOIS, or an ALLEN JONES unit. Leave them in a room and come back later. If your house is still there, then OLIVER KIRKLAND has calmed down.

Opposite mode is also known as 1p mode. It in unlocked by leaving OLIVER KIRKLAND with an ARTHUR KIRKLAND for a long period of time. When you return, OLIVER KIRKLAND will be acting very similar to ARTHUR KIRKLAND. This mode may take a while to return to default, however, an ALLEN JONES unit can snap him out of it near instantaneously.

 **Relationships with Other Units:**

ARTHUR KIRKLAND: Your OLIVER KIRKLAND can get along with ARTHUR KIRKLAND fairly easily. They argue like brothers constantly. Please note, that if OLIVER KIRKLAND eats ARTHUR KIRKLAND's cooking, it can cause him to revert to angry mode.

FRANCOIS BONNEFOIS: Your OLIVER KIRKLAND will constantly want to be friends FRANCOIS BONNEFOIS. FRANCOIS BONNEFOIS find your OLIVER KIRKLAND annoying especially in Loving mode.

ALLEN JONES: ALLEN JONES is mildly afraid of OLIVER KIRKLAND especially while in Cannibal mode. However, they can become friends. ALLEN JONES can snap OLIVER KIRKLAND out of Cannibal, Psychopath, and get him out of Opposite.

PETER KIRKLAND: Unlike and ARTHUR KIRKLAND, your OLIVER KIRKLAND and PETER KIRKLAND get along very easily. PETER KIRKLAND sees OLIVER KIRKLAND as his older brother. Even in Angry, Cannibal, and Psychopath mode, OLIVER KIRKLAND will never harm PETER KIRKLAND in any way. If OLIVER KIRKLAND is in one of these modes, any food me makes for PETER KIRKLAND is most likely safe so you may want to eat from the same batches as him.

LUCIANO VARGAS: Your OLIVER KIRKLAND is faintly afraid of LUCIANO VARGAS unless OLIVER KIRKLAND is in Cannibal mode. In fact, LUCIANO VARGAS may make pasta and share the blood ingredient with OLIVER KIRKLAND when they are making cupcakes.

 **Cleaning**

Your OLIVER KIRKLAND can clean himself however, while he doesn't mind, he can get more flustered than a KIKU HONDA unit when you get in the bath with him when he is in Loving mode.

 **Feeding**

While OLIVER KIRKLAND is an amazing cook, it is advised that you don't have him cook red meat unless he is Loving mode or it is for PETER KIRKLAND due to the fact it may contain body parts.

 **Rest**

Your OLIVER KIRKLAND tends to stay up late. He sometimes stays up until 3 in the morning. He doesn't mind if you sleep next to him if you've had a nightmare. He may sleep next to you. However, you can set him directly into Psychotic if you wake him up.

 **Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: I bought my OLIVER KIRKLAND unit some cupcakes from food lion and his eyes turned pink. I don't feel safe. What should I do?

A: Non-homemade cupcakes have a tendency to set him into angry mode. We suggest that you make him a homemade cupcake or get one from a local bakery.

Q: My OLIVER KIRKLAND is out of Poisons and Laxatives.

A: Call the number on the manual. We can replenish any items your unit is out of.

Q: My OLIVER KIRKLAND's eyes are pink and he keeps looking at my boyfriend and not letting him near me? Is this because OLIVER KIRKLAND likes me and wants us to break up?

A: Actually no. OLIVER KIRKLAND is in his overprotective mode. If he is in this mode, it means your OLIVER KIRKLAND has overheard or seen that your boyfriend is either cheating on you, or is just dating you as a prank to break your heart. When OLIVER KIRKLAND tries to tell you that the person you are dating is bad news, he is actually trying to warn you.

 **Troubleshooting**

Problem: Instead of OLIVER KIRKLAND, you got a blond with green eyes and huge eyebrows.

Solution: Whoops. We sent you an ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit instead of an OLIVER KIRKLAND. If you curse alot you are probably better off. If you still want OLIVER KIRKLAND, call the number on this manual

Problem: Your OLIVER KIRKLAND is sitting in a corner and seems to be staring into space.

Solution: Your OLIVER KIRKLAND is going though an identity crisis. This is most likely due to the fact you have been most likely referring to him as "Arthur" or "The Other Arthur". Calling him Oliver can fix this.

 **End Notes**

With proper care and treatment, OLIVER KIRKLAND will become an amazing friend. We promise, that if you read the manual, your time with OLIVER KIRKLAND will be very enjoyable.


End file.
